


neither one, one of us (wants to say we're sorry)

by merthurxmalec



Series: I'd rather be anywhere, anywhere but here [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, I think? I have no idea tbh lets just go with it, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Pining Steve Rogers, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Sorry guys, also lots of Steve and Peter because I eat that shit up, background Bucky/Nat - Freeform, idk how to tag, issa angst kinda day, my man just wants his man but he's an idiot, post avengers: endgame, steve pines a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 06:22:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17637443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merthurxmalec/pseuds/merthurxmalec
Summary: As the dust from Thanos' destruction settled, Steve Rogers was aware of two things:One -  he was completely, utterly and irrevocably in love with Tony Stark.Two - Tony Stark was to be married to Pepper Potts.





	neither one, one of us (wants to say we're sorry)

**Author's Note:**

> hey so this is late *hides* 
> 
> This is a part of my last fic. I would suggest you read that first otherwise this might not make much sense? 
> 
> As usual, excuse the Britishness. I tried, I really did. 
> 
> Title from 'Good Years' by Zayn, which I heard and immediately decided is a post-cw stony song.

As the dust from Thanos’ destruction settled, Steve Rogers was aware of two things. 

 

One- he was completely, utterly and irrevocably in love with Tony Stark. 

 

Two- Tony was to be married to Pepper Potts. 

 

The first one wasn’t a surprise. In fact, it has been fundamentally etched into the very fabric of his being for so long he doesn’t remember a time without it. It crept up on him against his bidding- he doesn’t even remember it happening. One day, however, he closed his eyes and didn’t see  _her_ anymore _. I_ t was still warm chocolate eyes that flashed in front of his face, determined and challenging, still brown curls and rouge lips that were forever curled into a snarky smile. But it was different, too. The eyes didn’t just twinkle with challenge, they had the twinkle that came only from someone whose head was forever occupied with innovation. No longer did he see soft hands curled around a gun- now it was hands that were as hard as wood, scars scattered across them like tiny stars. When he saw the hands, he saw intelligence, he saw a brighter future because that is who Tony Stark was. He made the world a better place to be. 

 

The second realisation also wasn’t an epiphany. He knew it from the start, since the day the team had been chasing an underground criminal in Vegas and the bold headline had been displayed right in front of his face.  **Tony Stark to wed CEO Pepper Potts!** it had said, and that is the day Steve had ripped off the Avengers symbol from his uniform. That symbol was the last thing tying him to home, and home for him wasn’t a place, it was a person, a feeling. It was cupcakes baked at 2am when the cold got too much to handle, it was weekend trips to MoMA, it was bright, sleepy eyes demanding coffee the first thing in the morning. Steve had left that home in the snow months ago, but it didn’t really settle in his head until he saw the headline. 

 

He knew Thanos wouldn’t change that, of course he did. When the phone had rung that horrible, horrible day, Steve had let himself be washed with a hope that only ever brought him misery. He had seen the live broadcast of the fight in New York, of course he had. He had seen Iron Man fight aliens, had seen Tony Stark protect in the way he does best. The whole time he had absently twirled the phone in his hands, trying to will it to ring, will himself to make the first move. When it had, Steve knew that Tony’s voice on the other end was all he needed. 

 

Steve Rogers never did get what he wants, though.

 

Believing he had lost Tony, hearing Tony’s message to Pepper from space (not the message Tony left for him, not yet. Captain America may be a hero, but Steve Rogers doesn’t have the strength for it), rescuing Tony- all any of that did was reaffirm a fact Steve already knew: Tony Stark was his life, his love, and always will be. 

 

But he wasn’t Tony’s. 

 

That is okay, too. He didn’t expect to be. Perhaps in another life, where he hadn’t hurt Tony as badly as he did, he would have deserved that love. But Steve made a choice, and he would never regret choosing Bucky. Bucky was his friend, his brother, the man who did so much to make sure Steve lives to see another day. Steve owes Bucky his life, and choosing Bucky would never be a regret. 

 

Steve was accustomed to living without what he loved. Why would Tony be any different? 

 

Steve had lost his happiness a long time ago, had left it in the snow the minute he chose duty over love. But Tony had his, had a life laid out in front of him with Pepper and with Peter and even the rest of the Avengers, all safely moved back to what used to be home. Maybe, if Steve was lucky, Tony would allow him back into his life too. 

 

Steve could live with that. 

 

* * *

 

 

Peter was in the Tower tonight. 

 

Now that in itself was not weird at all. When everyone had come back (and had grieved the people that had been lost) there was a natural gravitational pull towards certain people. For weeks Steve had been unable to let Bucky or Sam (or Tony, though he doesn’t know that) out of his sight, too scared that if he blinks for even one second then he’s going to wake up into that terrible world again. Thor had taken off with Loki to Asgard almost immediately, a shine on his face Steve hadn’t seen in a long time. Wanda and Vision spent almost every moment together, and Steve was glad. 

 

Tony? Tony gravitated towards Peter. 

 

Seeing Tony after he came back from space, Steve could hardly recognise him. He had always been protective of the people he loved – that was a trait that was fundamentally etched into his being. Tony Stark loved sparsely, but he also loved ferociously. He dedicated his life to the people he loved, but he never showed that love through outward affection. Tony is a cosmos of energy – you can almost see it penetrating out of him. He is a builder, an engineer, a mechanic, and that is the only way he knows how to show his love. He shows Pepper his love with hideous giant teddy bears. He shows Clint his affection by bringing his family upstate for a surprise visit, arranging a day out for Laura and the kids around New York. He shows Natasha his attention by getting her those Russian ballads she secretly misses, exchanges a small smile for a nod of gratitude. He shows his generosity towards Bucky by building him a new arm, so sleek and good that Bucky cries when he uses it for the first time. He can feel Steve’s skin as they hug, can hold Natasha’s hands and _feel_ them, and it is all because of Tony.

 

So yes, Tony Stark isn’t shy with showing his affections. What Tony doesn’t do, however, is say it.

 

But with Peter? With Peter, Tony is a different person entirely. No longer is he a man who stands on the side lines with a wistful smile on his face, denying himself the family that had long since claimed him as their own. Tony’s entire world orbited around Peter, and he made sure to show it too. It was like everything with Thanos had flipped a switch in him, had shown him the true technicality of death. Now, Tony could hardly stay away from Peter, could barely let him go. He always had a hand on Peter, his grip soft but solid. Whether he was grounding Peter or himself, Steve did not know. The only thing he did know, though, is that they both seeked comfort in each other. It was a very subtle gesture - not many people noticed it, not unless they were paying attention. Steve was always paying attention.

 

Naturally, the co-dependency the father-son duo had on each other meant one was never out of the other’s sight. The team seldom ever found Peter alone, because Tony would always be there – watching, smiling, relishing. Tony was a father through and through, and his paternal instincts never let his son (because that is what Peter was) out of his sight.

 

Today, though? Today, Peter wasn’t with Tony.

 

Steve didn’t find this out from Tony, because Steve and Tony don’t talk. Not anymore. They are perfectly civil with each other, they nod a hello and a goodbye, they mumble good mornings in the kitchen as Tony grabs his coffee. (Bruce pretends he made it, and Tony lets him, but he _knows,_ Steve can tell he knows. But he doesn’t say anything, and Steve considers that a win.) So yes, they aren’t enemies by any means. Maybe Steve can even go as far as saying Tony no longer hates him. But he knows he broke his trust, knows he can never bring it back to the way it does. So he avoids, because Steve may be a pining dumbass, but he knows how to pine from far away, how to minimise the hurt.

 

Instead, Steve wandered into a lost-looking kid standing at the edge of a balcony, and something about that image stung. Peter looked like a small red dot in the midst of the expansion of the New York sky line, still not quite back to how it used to be, but slowly getting to a resemblance of home.

 

“I didn’t know you were here today,” Steve said slowly, trying to muster up a confident voice to not betray the fact that he was _scared._

 

Peter jumped backwards slightly, then took a large step back as if he had just sprung into consciousness.

 

“Yeah, I’m not supposed to be. I just wanted to see Mr. Stark.”

 

Steve slowly walked towards Peter, standing in front of him to look the boy in the face. There was a tiredness etched in his eyes, a sense of weariness no kid should ever carry. Steve’s heart broke at the sight.

 

“Why aren’t you with him, then?” Steve asked.

 

Peter brought his eyes up to Steve’s own. “FRIDAY said he’s sleeping,” he said in a small voice. “He hasn’t slept in 3 days. I don’t want to wake him up.”

“Peter…” Steve says softly, “you know he won’t mind.”

 

“I know he won’t,” Peter says. “But that doesn’t mean I should. He needs his rest. I’m fine.”

 

Steve debates with himself for a minute, tries to decide whether he should just leave it here or not. Let Peter believe his own lie, give him a temporary relief Steve knows will shatter sooner rather than later. Or, he could provide a guiding hand, shaky as it may be. Peter doesn’t fully trust Steve, and with good reason. In the end though, the decision isn’t all that hard to make.

 

“No, you’re not,” Steve says decisively. “You know how I know that, son? Because I spent years telling myself I’m fine too, when I clearly wasn’t. And you know what I learnt from that? That lie always ends with terrible consequences. Because when all that anger and frustration and apathy built up so much that I couldn’t handle it anymore, I took it out on the wrong people. And in that process, I lost my family. I lost my home. I lost my best friend, who can’t even stand to look me in the eye anymore. Don’t do that to yourself, kid. I couldn’t handle my demons, but you’re so much stronger than me. You can.”

 

Peter was quiet for a long moment, so long that Steve worried he over-stepped. Finally, a quiet voice spoke up, laced with tiredness.

 

“I don’t think I can be Spiderman anymore.”

 

Steve waited for him to continue.

 

“It’s not that I don’t want to be, I really do. I love being Spiderman. I love the difference I can make because of it. But now, every time I put this suit on, all I see is orange. I remember the pain of fading away. I remember Mr Stark’s face when I was fading, how crushed he looked. But that’s not the worst part, though.”

 

Peter glanced up at Steve.

 

“I saw him in the spaceship, before he got rescued. The universe knew he was needed to defeat Thanos. The universe also knew he was giving up hope. So they sent me in, and I watched him nearly die. And now that’s all I see – every time I close my eyes, that’s what I see.” Peter starts sobbing, and Steve can’t care about boundaries anymore. He pulls Peter to his chest, let’s Peter wrap his arms around his broad shoulders and cry himself dry.

 

“It’s all I see, too, kid,” Steve whispers into his curls. “It’s all I see too, every single time I close my eyes.”

 

Peter lifts his head up to look at him, his eyes still shining bright with tears.

 

“You’re wrong about something, though” he says. “Did you listen to the message Mr Stark sent you?”

 

Steve shakes his head no.

Peter smiles slightly.

 

“Listen to the message, Captain Rogers.”

 

“Steve.” He says, for the lack of something better to say.

 

Peter doesn’t say anything, just walks away to leave Steve in the darkness, alone.

 

* * *

 

 

Tony and Pepper Stark got married in a simple, quiet way that surprised everyone.

 

Only a select few people were invited – all the Avengers, both the former team-mates and the new ones. Carol and Natasha took pride standing next to Pepper as her bridesmaids. The choice for Tony’s best man was never even questioned. Rhodey had always been there at Tony’s side, through thick and thin, and that is where he would always stay. Peter was a groomsman and he was proud, he stood there like an over-excited puppy with a large smile on his face, trying to hide the Iron Man cufflinks Tony had bullied him into wearing. DUM-E was the ring carrier and had lost the ring a total of 5 times in 2 hours.

 

The team had all sat in the front row, all teary-eyed by the end of the happy couple’s vows. If someone saw Steve crying, they didn’t question it, content in thinking that it was the happy couple’s deep love that moved Captain America to tears. It was only Peter’s perceptive glances at his direction that indicated that Captain America was anything but happy.

 

Afterwards, after the happy couple had had their first dance and Steve had made a toast in honour of the couple and their love that Peter excused himself from where he was dancing with his own date, Michelle, and walked over to Steve.

 

“You should have listened to the message, Steve,” he said.

 

 

_Hey Capsicle._

_By now you know what this is. Steve – there is so much I wish I got to say to you. You know, when I was being beamed up on that godforsaken spaceship, I knew I wasn’t going to make it back home. This is always how it was supposed to end, wasn’t it? When it happened the first time, after the Battle of New York, I didn’t have a single thought in my head. I knew I was going to die, and I was at peace with it. I didn’t have anything to live for back then. But then I dropped back down again, and do you know what the first thing I saw was? It was you. It was your eyes. You’re the last message I’m recording, and after this I am going to shut myself off and wait for death to come. Death through asphyxiation isn’t too bad. It’s like falling asleep.  I wish I could see your eyes before I go, though. It would be a nice a full circle._

_I wish I got to tell Peter that I love him, that he saved me at a time when I didn’t think I could be saved. I wish I could tell Pepper thank you for loving a man who was only ever able to give her a part of his heart, because his heart, in all its broken glory, always belonged to the man whose eyes had brought him home. And I wish I could tell you that, too. Because you did break me, Steve. But that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was that I loved you despite of it. Because I do. I always will, even if always for me is just another few hours. I just wanted you to know that._

* * *

 

 

Sitting in the balcony of a house that was no longer home, Steve cries.

 

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact: my original plan was to have a stevetony wedding at the end and a very fluffy, happy ending but this happened instead. I'm sorry? 
> 
> scream at me on Tumblr: starsinourinfinities


End file.
